


my knees are burning hot (but god is cold)

by farks



Series: the only trophy we deserve: a catastrophe [1]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Gen, MAJOR SPOILERS FOR CH 519
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-21
Updated: 2014-11-21
Packaged: 2018-02-26 11:34:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2650511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/farks/pseuds/farks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takasugi never wanted to fight, really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	my knees are burning hot (but god is cold)

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 519. save yourself. don't read it unless you want to die from angst. (i hate you sorachi)
> 
> title taken from epik high's cover of "eyes, nose, lips".

Takasugi never wanted to fight, really. He just wants to be strong enough to stop the invaders, quick enough to protect his friends and comrades, smart enough to outmaneuver his sensei. If he allowed himself to be hopeful, Takasugi wants justice. Peace. A glorious death in the midst of a losing war, perhaps, if it meant that it would end. A chance to see the man they all loved again.

(Once upon a time, Takasugi had thought that if he became powerful enough, he would be able to save his sensei and right all the wrongs of this rotten world. He was sixteen, naive and powerless in front of reality, so he was disappointed, naturally.)

But he looks across the battlefield - there is death everywhere, from the blazing trail of carcasses and destruction they left behind to the blood that coated his blade and stained his hands - and he feels the weight of every life at stake and every back he is trusted to watch and protect. So for all he hurts and tires, Takasugi stands up. And he fights.

(Until he is caught and bound, forced to watch as the light at the end of his tunnel is robbed in front of his very eyes. He went blind long before he lost his eye, and he finds the darkness more welcoming than the image of his dead sensei's head that has been all but seared into his mind.)

Takasugi never wanted to fight, really. He wants to live long enough to see Gintoki get diabetes just so he can say _I told you so_. He wants to beat Zura at Uno and outdrink Tatsuma. Above all, Takasugi wants for all of them to come out of this alive. But Shoyo-sensei asked him to protect everyone, and Takasugi has never been a pacifist, has never been one to settle for second best when he knows he deserves better. They all deserve better.

As they cross swords, Takasugi thinks about broken bonds and futility. He thinks about vengeance and the still empty void in his chest. He thinks about redemption and salvation and other impossible wants, things he pushed away and things that are simply out of reach. He thinks about masochism and regret and his inability to forgive, because none of them can forget.

(He wants to hate Gintoki. So, so badly. He wants to blame Gintoki for betraying everything they've been fighting for. For choosing them over their sensei. For letting him live.

But in his worst nightmares, Takasugi remembers, vividly, the tremble of Gintoki's hands as he lopped their sensei's head off in one graceful arc. And the aftermath, how Gintoki could no longer pick up a real sword without wretching. Not even now.)

He isn't Katsura. Because while Zura might be able to forgive, Takasugi has always been a selfish, greedy brat who could never let go. So Takasugi clings to the past, the only thing he has left, and he hates the world that forced Gintoki's hand in his stead. He resolves to destroy everything and make the rotten world burn, the same way they destroyed his, and he will burn along with it.

Takasugi thinks about being alive, about the blood still thrumming in his veins and the blood that's running down his torso and seeping into his clothes. How he has long crossed the point of no return, how he doesn't deserve to live when all he wants is to die. Right here, right now, by the same hand that killed his hopes and dreams all those years ago.

He thinks about being proven wrong. And then he thinks about being proven right, as Gintoki's fist collides with his face.

Masochists. _Idiots_. The both of them.

Takasugi never wanted to fight.


End file.
